Gimping at the mouth...

This weekend, while Jeff and I were in Vegas, during one of the few times we were in the gaming part of a casino, as a cocktail waitress walked by us, in all of her curvy beauty, Jeff, trying to give me a compliment said, "You could totally do that, you absolutely have the body and the beauty, I'm not sure how they would feel about the walk though..."
Immediately after saying this, Jeff realized what he had said and how his attempt at being complimentary had totally backfired! My initial response was one of indignation and frustration, not so much at Jeff but at the millions of times I have heard similar comments, sometimes from people who love me and sometimes from strangers who fire these supposed witticisms at me with either malice or complete ignorance.
I explained to Jeff how hurtful that was, in general and especially coming from my husband who I love so deeply and unconditionally. I said, "...it would be illegal for them to not hire me based on the walk, though they would probably just come up with some other reason why I wouldn't be a good fit and I wouldn't want to be in that kind of service position anyway, one, because I know how hard those women work and what kind of crap they put up with AND because I am not so good at carrying drinks."
Jeff was totally apologetic and understood why my initial response was fear, I have dated, flirted with, been flirted with by, so many people who have made claims of understanding my inner and outer gimp and have made similar, though of course, more hurtful, statements. It was sort of like the good friend who once explained to her young children that. "Aviva's body can't do everything she wants it to and you should both consider yourselves lucky that you have bodies that will do what you want..." When her children wanted me to climb the ladder to check out their attic with them. This before asking me what my limits were (none really- I think if I can handle climbing mount Kilimanjaro and working out enough that I have lost nearly 50 pounds since the second week of October, I can handle an attic ladder!) The thing is, everyone, and I mean everyone has limitations, physical skills and weaknesses, just because mine have a name does not make them public property. As I always say, if you want to know what I can or am interested in doing, ask me! We all know what they say about assumptions.
In the end Jeff and I reached an understanding and are no less in love with each other then we ever have been. It was a good reminder for both of us. For me, because I forget sometimes that even those who love me the most haven't lived in my walk, as it were, and there is a learning curve. I owe it to those I love to be gentle and explain why those comments are unacceptable. I also owe it to myself and the world to be clear and vocal and explain why those comments and the views of differently abled people they encourage and support, are unacceptable.

moving while basking in the light gimptastic

Big news! Jeff and I are moving! Out of Beaverton, away from the ghosts, and there are many, of his former wreck of a marriage, into a blissful place of being very very much in love, more every day and a place that is ours to create, love, laugh and build a family and a community in.
Much of the packing, organizing, hauling, pushing, pulling has been my job. As someone who has moved countless times across many oceans, this is no new feat for me!
While the moving is old hat to me, doing it with Jeff, my absolute love, is a new thing. Absolutely, having someone else to go through the move with has been wonderful and it has been a testament to our love that Jeff is able to accept and learn and ask questions. Specifically about what my skills and weakness are in relation to the move.
I can pack like a cyclone, lift boxes that weigh more then I do, load a truck, unload a truck and organize beyond belief. Basically, as I told Jeff the other day, while we were preparing for the first Uhaul endeavor, The only thing I'm not good at is walking down stairs backwards while carrying large pieces of furniture or heavy boxes or negotiating stairs at all if I'm carrying something I don't have a good grip on or, that eclipses my view of my feet! I think those last limitations have more to do with being 5 feet tall then being disabled!
One of the first things that made me know that Jeff could be the one happened about 15 minutes into our first date... Typically, my limp and it's origins and ramifications are not something I discuss in prelude to dating or on first dates, unless of course questions are asked. And those of you who share this view with me or, have spent any time with me, know that there are "good" questions and "not so good" questions, those I will answer and those that tell me this isn't going to work, this has always applied to dating as well as work and social situations.
So, back to our story! On our first date which was virtually "blind", after getting in the car and devouring each other for a few minutes, we decided that instead of going to dinner we would pick up food and bring it back to my house, the food is unimportant as it didn't get eaten until the next day; What is important is that as we crossed the parking lot holding hands and not being able to keep our hands to ourselves, Jeff asked, "Will you tell me about the limp?"
Yes. No judgement, just a question and not a "what's with the walk, what's wrong with you, what happened? kind of question!
So I gave him an honest answer. I was 3 and a half months early, have CP, was born this way, it's not progressive, moderately painful, well, if you have the world's highest pain threshold, as I do...
"Ok" he said, "Let's go home..."!
I knew then, I know more every day, that with Jeff we are both able to live our own truths, to be completely honest with each other and in being ourselves. We acknowledge that everyone has abilities and limitations, skills and weaknesses... How you move, speak, negotiate the world has less then less to do with making real connections and honoring yourself and your partner.
This move and everything that lead up to it, the limbo of waiting for the house to sell, the difficulty of waiting for Jeff's divorce to be completed, everything we have been through together and the way we continue to laugh and love and support each other, through everything in acknowledgement of who we are and what we are good at and not so good at, tells me that my first instincts about Jeff and about us were absolutely right... Now back to the packing. May you all find love and light in your lives and continue to honor your truths and your loves..

Inviting Desire, Callback Audition Piece!

So, for those of you keeping track of these things, I've been invited to a callback audition for "Inviting Desire", the piece I auditioned for a few weeks back that explores women's sexuality, erotic personae and fantasy, created by a former Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts colleague of mine. At the initial audition I was encouraged to really push limits in terms of erotica and taking risks. I know that the creator and director has made some changes to her vision about this year's rendition of the show and is focusing on increasing diversity amongst the cast and their expressed experience.
The piece I plan to use is pure erotic fantasy and comes from a longer, either written or performance piece, called, "Bad leg, Nice Ass" about disabled women's sexual expression, experience, fantasy, reality and personae, that I've been working on, on paper and in my head for years.
I will include the piece here, because I know that you are all adults and can make choices about what kind of exposure you want to these kind of subjects, a warning- the piece I am performing at the callback audition is pure fantasy and fits the critique I was given at the initial audition to really push the limits and take risks, it is definitely racy and honest! The language is very explicit and meant for adults. If you think that you will be offended by the language and content, feel free to stop reading now.
I find it important to include the audition piece here as, having the courage to do so is the first step in my being able to perform it tomorrow evening, quite a risk indeed. It is important that I share all aspects of this process with you, my readers, my equals, my trusted community and confidants.

Of course I wish that you were here right now. I want to put your cock in my mouth, I want to make you come, I want to touch you everywhere, I want to kiss you everywhere, I want your tongue on my clit, I want to taste you, I want to leave marks...I want you to fuck me, I want you to fill me up, I want you to tease me, I want to not know what you will do to me next, I want to hold you...

I dreamt of you last night. I dreamt that we went to dinner somewhere that was far away and the whole time you were driving my hands were on your cock, my fingers lightly grazing the head, my whole hand sliding up and down on the shaft. I dreamt that finally, we had to pull over so I could put my you in my mouth, tease you with my tongue, make you explode with pleasure.
In my dream you had told what to wear, that dress from the other night with nothing underneath. At dinner you put your hand on my thigh, and slowly force my legs open so my pussy is yours under the table, your fingers teasing my clit, you are pumping in and out with your whole hand now, I am so wet I can't move, afraid someone will notice, not really caring anymore if they do but every time I make a sound you threaten to stop fucking me with your fingers. Finally, I come, violently, silently, so that my explosion is only for you, so that no one else can tell what is happening....

of course, I woke myself up, my pussy soaking wet and throbbing missing you, missing you inside of me, coming...
And now I've done it to myself again.
until tomorrow, I adore you...

Inviting Desire, Audition update

For those of you wondering what ever happened as to my audition progress, please see the email below from the creator/director and, my response email. I'm not out of the running yet!
 Forgive me for not writing sooner. I've been adjusting dates a bit,
> and wanted to have a clearer sense of rehearsal dates, et. (I'm
> changing the workshop dates to begin on Valentines day). I was
> feeling crunched, time-wise, so I pushed things back a little to give
> myself some breathing room.
>
> Didn't mean to leave you hanging.
>
> Thanks so much for coming to the audition. I really appreciate your
> participation. I am just thrilled to my core to sit in a circle with
> women and share fantasies. Love it.
>
> Your work was brave and exciting and I am honored to have been an
> audience to both your audition piece and your free write.
>
> I am holding one more evening of auditions for the folks who couldn't
> make it, and hoping to bring in a little diversity. (When we did talk
> backs last january after the show, the most repeated piece of
> constructive criticism was to expand the palette - more women of all
> shapes and ages and colors and preferences).
>
> I will be in touch as to what happens next.
>
> Eleanor
>
> Hi Eleanor,

Great to hear from you! Glad to see you were able to give yourself some breathing room and think constructively about the permutations of Inspiring Desire and how you can bring to bear some the critique from prior workshop and feedback sessions.

I agree that increasing diversity within the show could be really fruitful and add a dimensionality that might have been less emphasized in prior performances.

It was so wonderful to see you again after so many years, I'm so glad that my foray back into the world of auditioning/potentially performing was with a vehicle and a workshop that you facilitate! What a crazy coincidence!

I wish you luck in your second round of auditions and would urge you to consider disabled women's perspectives as an important new addition to Inviting Desire, of course, as so much of my written and performance work has focused on exploring women's sexuality and disability and, because I myself identify as a disabled woman; I hope that I am at least heavily considered as a cast member of this year's rendition of Inviting Desire. If not, I hope that at least one disabled woman is added to the cast. Disabled woman are so often not allowed to be sexual or run the risk of being either over eroticized or completely removed from anything societally recognized as erotic, sexy or, carnal. When thinking about diversity, disability is definitely important to consider.

Keep me posted as to the outcome of the second round of auditions.

All the best,

Aviva

Prelude- after the fact

I'm on a blogging role. For at least the last year many people I love whose opinions I trust deeply, have urged me to begin working on a book. If you urged, mentioned, encouraged, pushed, prodded or put a pencil in my hand or a blank laptop screen in front of me at any time in the last eighteen months and said, "Write!", then this is for you. And for me. At first I toyed with the idea of writing a book about travel for people who identify as disabled- something you might find in both the "Travel" and "Self Help" sections of your local book seller.
But that seemed so removed, so easy to take the emotion and the fire and hurt and the joy out of.
It has taken me a long time to get here, a PhD and a lifetime and years of adventure and years of heartache and frustration. It has also taken me this last year of being so loved and so in love to believe that I have enough to say, enough to risk and enough bravery to just write a book about me. A book about me in the world.
And it all starts right now. I'm sure that some of this will (or already does) feel aggressive, angry, frustrated, frustrating...And it is meant to. It is also meant to be and feel joyful, triumphant, proud, beautiful, inspiring and sometimes, even funny!
I welcome all comments, critiques and, thoughts. I am putting my heart and my experience on the line. I am, as always willing to stand behind my beliefs and my convictions. I expect to perhaps create controversy or questions. I expect that all of you when commenting will hold true to some or all of those modes of discourse.

and still the fight creeps in...

and still the fight creeps in...

This is not a spoiler. This will not be a theoretical or critical analysis of James Cameron's latest offering, "Avatar" although, I have much to say and at some point those words may show up here.
So, on a Saturday morning, Jeff and I show up for an 11:00 o'clock showing of the afore mentioned film (shown in IMAX and 3D) an hour early. The theater is three quarters full! And the film is worth it! Beautiful, stunning and certainly, the fact that the central character is a former marine (yes, shockingly I agreed to see a film which show cased an aspect of the armed forces- my only justification for this being that I think the American military ends up looking like the oppressive, colonialist, terrorist, oligarchical , occupying and, myopic organization that it is...) who has lost the use of his legs in former "service" who regains the use of his legs when he is in his avatar form on the ideal environment, Pandora, certainly brings up lots of disability theory and studies questions which I am sure I will continue to think about and perhaps write about here or in some other forum...
What I will write about here is what happened after sitting through three fantastic and visually stunning hours and one multiplex large sized drink (even though shared with Jeff), I of the tiny bladder of course, have to pee! When Jeff and I exited the theater we had an immediate view of the nearly mile long line extending outward from the woman's restroom.
Jeff says, almost sheepishly, "you could just this time, use that one..." pointing to the family and disabled toilet just across the lobby.
Taking one last side long glance at the women's restroom line which seems to be growing rather than shrinking, I decide to take Jeff's advice.
Making a quick bee-line for the alternate restroom I say excuse me and weave my way through two middle aged men standing about six feet away from the door to the clearly marked "family and disabled" toilet. These guys are slowly putting on coats and chatting about the film we've all just seen; they seem completely uninterested in using any of the available toilets, that is, until I place my hand on the door handle and begin to push my way in....
"Oh, excuse me, young lady, says the (at least visually) older of the two men- "did you not notice us waiting?", he says as he literally pushes my hand disdainfully off of the handle and wrestles his way into the restroom.
So there I am standing outside the restroom with his companion.
"I actually didn't realize that the two of you were waiting for the empty restroom", I say. Making sure I placed the emphasis on empty.
"Oh, we were waiting" says man two.
I wait a  beat. "So, are either of you disabled?"
"No, of course not!"
"Oh, well the door is clearly marked so, maybe you two are family?" "If you are you could join him in there, that is after all, who this restroom is for, families or disabled people..."
Indignant, man two says, "Look girlie- we're not family and we're not disabled- if you have to go so badly you can join him in there.", he says smugly.
"Oh, I say, I won't be joining him- don't be an asshole. I am disabled so technically, I have more right to that space than either of you..." I say, just stating fact.
Man two becomes offended, "don't tell me you've never shared a restroom with another woman" and "why are you calling me an asshole?"
"It's not the issue and none of your business who I've shared a restroom with and, I am calling you an asshole because you're being an asshole."
"Nice", he says, "very nice" and storms off towards the exit doors muttering under his breath.
Just then his erstwhile friend exits the restroom, pushing his way past me as if my five foot frame is both invisible and made of some sort of permeable mist.
When I enter the restroom, I notice that our friend has neither managed to flush nor, return the seat to it's relaxed position, perhaps I was wrong. We all have our challenges....