Remembering Alida

I woke up suddenly from a dream of running through an enormous green field, at 2:34 this morning. A dream of being chased or chasing, of trying to read a scrap of paper that floated always out of reach but seemed utterly, entirely essential.
As is often the wont of my insomniac self, I indulged in a terrible habit, one that causes particular damage when the goal should be, getting back to sleep, I checked my email.
What I found was a message from an old friend about the sudden passing from a rare and incredibly quick cancer of another dear old friend.

I haven't seen or heard from or of Alida in nearly 20 years. I have often wondered where her path lead her and equally as often had the feeling that somehow our paths were running parallel to each other.

Alida was tall, like some sort of amazingly majestic yet incredibly gentle tree, completely comfortable with just swaying, just being.
I remember finding it funny, ironic even, at 7 years old that we seemed to be polar opposites. Alida, tall, willowy, blond and ethereal. Me, close to the ground and dark and too old for my age, both of us so knowledgeable, so certain of ourselves, so powerful- always.

Most of what we did together was lie aimlessly in the green meadow behind the childcare center that my mother co-directed. We got lost, in our heads, in our own imaginary worlds where Alida would grow up to be a mermaid and I would grow up to be a foreign correspondent. Even then, our goals seemed somehow opposite and yet complimentary.
Alida had the most amazing way of seeing things and making them real. I had a way of talking, acting and writing them out.

I lost touch with Alida in my early teens but have now learned that we both lived all over the world, loved fiercely, even when that love wasn't deserved or wasn't the smartest choice. I know now that just as we planned, we lived for the sake of living, just like we knew we would at 7. That we both followed our dreams and our hearts, disjointed, convoluted, circuitous and necessary.
I know now that we lived as we wanted to live, with our complete selves, always.
I could say that I regret the years in between that I missed out on knowing Alida on a daily basis.
I will say that somehow, from very early on I always knew her and am proud to have had the opportunity, proud to know that she continued to live and love in a way that was always true to who she was. Proud that knowing her was part of allowing me to do the same in my own way.
i know that, just as I have for nearly 20 years, I will think of her nearly daily and miss her always.

Gimping at the mouth...

This weekend, while Jeff and I were in Vegas, during one of the few times we were in the gaming part of a casino, as a cocktail waitress walked by us, in all of her curvy beauty, Jeff, trying to give me a compliment said, "You could totally do that, you absolutely have the body and the beauty, I'm not sure how they would feel about the walk though..."
Immediately after saying this, Jeff realized what he had said and how his attempt at being complimentary had totally backfired! My initial response was one of indignation and frustration, not so much at Jeff but at the millions of times I have heard similar comments, sometimes from people who love me and sometimes from strangers who fire these supposed witticisms at me with either malice or complete ignorance.
I explained to Jeff how hurtful that was, in general and especially coming from my husband who I love so deeply and unconditionally. I said, "...it would be illegal for them to not hire me based on the walk, though they would probably just come up with some other reason why I wouldn't be a good fit and I wouldn't want to be in that kind of service position anyway, one, because I know how hard those women work and what kind of crap they put up with AND because I am not so good at carrying drinks."
Jeff was totally apologetic and understood why my initial response was fear, I have dated, flirted with, been flirted with by, so many people who have made claims of understanding my inner and outer gimp and have made similar, though of course, more hurtful, statements. It was sort of like the good friend who once explained to her young children that. "Aviva's body can't do everything she wants it to and you should both consider yourselves lucky that you have bodies that will do what you want..." When her children wanted me to climb the ladder to check out their attic with them. This before asking me what my limits were (none really- I think if I can handle climbing mount Kilimanjaro and working out enough that I have lost nearly 50 pounds since the second week of October, I can handle an attic ladder!) The thing is, everyone, and I mean everyone has limitations, physical skills and weaknesses, just because mine have a name does not make them public property. As I always say, if you want to know what I can or am interested in doing, ask me! We all know what they say about assumptions.
In the end Jeff and I reached an understanding and are no less in love with each other then we ever have been. It was a good reminder for both of us. For me, because I forget sometimes that even those who love me the most haven't lived in my walk, as it were, and there is a learning curve. I owe it to those I love to be gentle and explain why those comments are unacceptable. I also owe it to myself and the world to be clear and vocal and explain why those comments and the views of differently abled people they encourage and support, are unacceptable.

moving while basking in the light gimptastic

Big news! Jeff and I are moving! Out of Beaverton, away from the ghosts, and there are many, of his former wreck of a marriage, into a blissful place of being very very much in love, more every day and a place that is ours to create, love, laugh and build a family and a community in.
Much of the packing, organizing, hauling, pushing, pulling has been my job. As someone who has moved countless times across many oceans, this is no new feat for me!
While the moving is old hat to me, doing it with Jeff, my absolute love, is a new thing. Absolutely, having someone else to go through the move with has been wonderful and it has been a testament to our love that Jeff is able to accept and learn and ask questions. Specifically about what my skills and weakness are in relation to the move.
I can pack like a cyclone, lift boxes that weigh more then I do, load a truck, unload a truck and organize beyond belief. Basically, as I told Jeff the other day, while we were preparing for the first Uhaul endeavor, The only thing I'm not good at is walking down stairs backwards while carrying large pieces of furniture or heavy boxes or negotiating stairs at all if I'm carrying something I don't have a good grip on or, that eclipses my view of my feet! I think those last limitations have more to do with being 5 feet tall then being disabled!
One of the first things that made me know that Jeff could be the one happened about 15 minutes into our first date... Typically, my limp and it's origins and ramifications are not something I discuss in prelude to dating or on first dates, unless of course questions are asked. And those of you who share this view with me or, have spent any time with me, know that there are "good" questions and "not so good" questions, those I will answer and those that tell me this isn't going to work, this has always applied to dating as well as work and social situations.
So, back to our story! On our first date which was virtually "blind", after getting in the car and devouring each other for a few minutes, we decided that instead of going to dinner we would pick up food and bring it back to my house, the food is unimportant as it didn't get eaten until the next day; What is important is that as we crossed the parking lot holding hands and not being able to keep our hands to ourselves, Jeff asked, "Will you tell me about the limp?"
Yes. No judgement, just a question and not a "what's with the walk, what's wrong with you, what happened? kind of question!
So I gave him an honest answer. I was 3 and a half months early, have CP, was born this way, it's not progressive, moderately painful, well, if you have the world's highest pain threshold, as I do...
"Ok" he said, "Let's go home..."!
I knew then, I know more every day, that with Jeff we are both able to live our own truths, to be completely honest with each other and in being ourselves. We acknowledge that everyone has abilities and limitations, skills and weaknesses... How you move, speak, negotiate the world has less then less to do with making real connections and honoring yourself and your partner.
This move and everything that lead up to it, the limbo of waiting for the house to sell, the difficulty of waiting for Jeff's divorce to be completed, everything we have been through together and the way we continue to laugh and love and support each other, through everything in acknowledgement of who we are and what we are good at and not so good at, tells me that my first instincts about Jeff and about us were absolutely right... Now back to the packing. May you all find love and light in your lives and continue to honor your truths and your loves..

wedding pictures available!

more words soon but, our wedding pictures are available at: www.eberlinwedding.shutterfly.com where you can peruse and order pics to your hearts content! This is just a preview of our celebration family, commitment, love and community that will take place in August!